Love and Austen

have always proudly declared that “Disney gave me unrealistic expectations about love”. Who can help but love the fairy tale formula. They are full of, as Belle says, “far off places, daring sword fights, magic spells, a prince in disguise!” They captivate the imagination, have fantastic heroes, and always end with a happy couple. Interwoven into our childhood, such stories are easy targets for every self-diagnosing Freud wannabe. But I am pretty sure that my ideas about love and relationships were not formed solely during my Disney years. In point of fact I think Ms. Jane Austen probably deserves a large amount of blame for any unrealistic notions I have concerning love.

“I am half agony, half hope. Tell me not that I am too late, that such precious feelings are gone forever. I offer myself to you again with a heart even more your own than when you almost broke it, eight and a half years ago.”-Captain Wentworth

It seems that all of Ms. Austen’s leading men are eloquent in love. As a teenager my heart flipped at their pronouncements of love. I just knew that the leading men in my life would be equally verbose in confessing their love. I still cling to this expectation. I know there are still eloquent men out there…somewhere.

Men of sense, whatever you may choose to say, do not want silly wives-Mr. Knightly

Darcy, Wentworth, Edward, Brandon and Edmond all agree with Mr. Knightly. They want and get thinking, independent women. My own non-scientific sampling seems to prove the opposite. I have found that men will happily be friends with such women but rarely date them. The girls that marry early are almost always the sillier variety. Perhaps there are no modern Knightly longing (or I haven’t met one).

“She (Elizabeth) hardly knew how to suppose that she could be an object of admiration to so great a man.”-Pride and Prejudice

Elizabeth, Emma, Anne, and Eleanor (yes I call them by their first names because they feel like old friends) were all surprised by the declarations of love that were offered. Elizabeth is sure Darcy hates her. Emma knows that Knightly is about to marry her friend. Anne thinks that Captain Wentworth is indifferent. Eleanor believes Edward is married to another. They are all wrong. They captured the love of wonderful men and had no clue. More than once I have thought that perhaps that I was in the same kind of relationship. That he really liked me, he just didn’t know it. Certainly realization would arrive in a romantic declaration. Ya. Not so much.

"I am perfectly convinced by it that Mr. Darcy has no defect. He owns it himself without disguise."-Elizabeth Bennett (said ironically)

Lastly Ms. Austen probably did the most damage by introducing me to Fitzwilliam Darcy. His morality and social awkwardness endeared me. He rejected girls who played to his vanity. He fell in love with the vivacious, independent, and witty Elizabeth Bennett. He proved his worth by continuing to love her even after being thoroughly rejected. Investing considerable energy and assets he saved her family from ruin. He took her criticisms and endeavored to grow from them. From the very beginning he became the ideal. An ideal, I fear, that will never be matched in reality.

So here I am full of my ill-conceived notions and expectations about love and relationships. Even though I know the damage these novels have done I still love them. In fact I am now seized by a strong desire to go and read them again!